Help me!!

Please I need help I don't know what to do anymore I'm lost I am afraid this will happen again maybe worst help I really feel like killing myself already I had been an ass recently but I don't deserve this and about Instagram I just don't feel loved anymore I really don't your friends are posted there while I'm spending so much time with you I'm not I just don't feel the need of being alive anymore I not that I wanna control you I just don't feel you anymore really look at how happy u were posting pictures with me now I come to think of it I have to remind you post pic of us it's like forcing totally not cool no more already I'm very sad n dissappoint I had come to a point where I don't feel a need of being alive anymore why am doing this i had kept to my words not all of it but most of it do u really want to really see me lying flat on the ground with a smashed body then you will treasure every single little things I do for you ??? Really? I tried to bring my wall of not trust tearing is down so that I can have a better relationship with you but apparently it's not comin down so soon yet ok afraid I'm scare I'm scare to lose everything n afraid of stuff repeating again what am I suppose to do I have so much insecurities so much stress whose there to understand what I'm truly facing I wish someone was really there for me n hope I can do the same ... I'm confuse I just feel like running away from the world there's too much for me to handle too much I had been trying to stay strong hope everything will be better but I guess I was wrong I dunno how to handle all this... Me being possessive making me think alot but I see you trying but it's always half way n I have to remind you again you have a boyfriend that treasures you so much will you understand everything his done for you he appreciated you and his also afraid to lose you and he doesn't want anyone to bully or flirt around with you he just wants you to be true to him honesty comes trusts and loyalty that's what I had been keepin up honesty maybe not that much but his been halfway there already so is the trust but loyalty had always been there I had nv try to touch other girls or anything I really didn't I talk to them but I'm not touchy n when u ask me not to trust you anymore I'm just feel like you are giving up n I too should just go I dun understand why has this gotta happen what's wrong what had I done so wrong that I deserve this treatment maybe it's totally different intention but seriously I really really hate being lied to had said it once I won't say it again one more time I'm really going without a doubt or a word I just go promises are broken y should I keep to mine right ? I tried to reason all my thoughts out already so that I hope you would understand how I'm feeling but been forgotten n thrown into so far far away land you said no but really touch your heart what's going on in your mind what do u really wan you wan to be happy with me or u wan me to share you with everyone (as in being equal or are we more like a couple then any other ordinary friends ?) I hope I could be bang by something accidents happen to me so that I can tell your true colours actually I already know I just don't wanna accpet the fact I'm still hope for everything to turn back well n being so loved tgt I want this to last not blast 😭😭😭😭😭 why oh why have my family have to become like this I would have such good life if not for so I'm trying to manage everything from scratch I'm learning I wan to make a wonderful life for my family next time and I really want to be happy with the one I'm gonna live long till my hair turns white n me lying in the coffin at the day of my times without any regrets in life I really want it let me understand you please please stop thinking doubt yourself and think for me too please I'm thinking of you every single times without fail hoping that you are okay over there hopin that I won't lose you everything you ask me not to be afraid but I'm really afraid I just can't help it I'm wishing that you will help me